Helping Families with a Gay Spouse
By Joanne Fleisher

”In a given hour, I go from feeling excited, calm and so bloody sure of myself to feeling hopeless and scared.”

This married woman’s description of her coming out process captures the whirlwind of emotions that sends most women into crisis. In my Philadelphia practice, I’ve counseled hundreds of married gay women. They come from all across the country. We work individually, in workshops, on the Internet, and by phone. These women and the people in their lives are the source of research for my book, Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and In Love with a Woman, Alyson Books (release date 12/1/05).

Women’s sexual identity may change throughout life for several reasons. Some women hide or disown parts of the self in order to survive in a homophobic home or social environment. For some, sexual identity will prove to be fluid, shifting after they’ve made critical life decisions, such as commitment to a life-long marriage. Imago Therapy proposes that we unconsciously choose our primary love partner to restore our original state of security, sense of aliveness, and freedom of expression. It may be impossible, however, to have an Imago love relationship that heals the deepest childhood wounds if we have chosen a partner of the wrong gender.

When a woman recognizes her same-sex attraction, she may feel a shade has lifted; she feels alive, perhaps for the first time. She comes home to herself. This woman now faces ethical dilemmas that pit her personal happiness and authenticity against commitments she’s made in the creation of a family. The most painful part of her struggle is the hurt and upheaval that she causes her spouse and children.

Both spouses can benefit from individual and couples therapy. The married woman, in individual therapy, must clarify her sexual identity. She needs to face her fears: possible loss of family, children, and loved ones. As a therapist, you can help her to confront both internal and external homophobia and determine which values and beliefs need to be re-examined in light of her new insights.

Surprisingly, husbands are frequently supportive of their wives’ struggle, even at the expense of their own happiness. In individual therapy, husbands should stay focused on themselves and what they need to get the love they want. They must define their limits and boundaries for a fulfilling marriage.

Imago couples therapy offers a place for both spouses to speak their truth. They must look at their options and decide whether sexual orientation differences will impede their ability to have a healing relationship that promotes growth. When children are involved, it’s especially important to set the groundwork for maintaining compassion, good negotiation skills, and a safe environment for everyone in the family.

Joanne Fleisher, LCSW is a certified Imago therapist and author of Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and In Love with a Woman (Alyson Books, release date 12/1/05).